Amazing Simple Home Remedies

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1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED F OR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU HAVE AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Clay Balls

A man was exploring caves by the seashore. In one of the caves he found a canvas bag with a bunch of hardened clay balls. It was like someone had rolled clay balls and left them out in the sun to bake. They didn't look like much, but they intrigued the man, so he took the bag out of the cave with him. As he strolled along the beach, he would throw the clay balls one at a time out into the ocean as far as he could.

He thought little about it, until he dropped one of the clay balls and it cracked open on a rock . Inside was a beautiful, precious stone!

Excited, the man started breaking open the remaining clay balls. Each contained a similar treasure. He found thousands of dollars worth of jewels in the 20 or so clay balls he had left.

Then it struck him. He had been on the beach a long time. He had thrown maybe 50 or 60 of the clay balls with their hidden treasure into the ocean waves. Instead of thousands of dollars in treasure, he could have taken home tens of thousands, but he had just thrown it away!

It's like that with people. We look at someone, maybe even ourselves, and we see the external clay vessel. It doesn't look like much from the outside. It isn't always beautiful or sparkling, so we discount it.

We see that person as less important than someone more beautiful or stylish or well known or wealthy. But we have not taken the time to find the treasure hidden inside that person.

There is a treasure in each and every one of us. If we take the time to get to know that person, and if we ask God to show us that person the way He sees them, then the clay begins to peel away and the brilliant gem begins to shine forth.

May we not come to the end of our lives and find out that we have thrown away a fortune in friendships because the gems were hidden in bits of clay. May we see the people in our world as God sees them.

I am so blessed by the gems of friendship I have with you.. Thank you for looking beyond my clay vessel.

APPRECIATE EVERY SINGLE

THING YOU HAVE, ESPECIALLY YOUR FRIENDS!

LIFE IS TOO SHORT AND FRIENDS ARE TOO FEW!

Pass this on to another Clay Ball!!!

Do not ask the Lord to Guide your Footsteps if you are not willing to MOVE your Feet'

The Red Head

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .

Wait for it. .

It's coming. .

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

She says: 'You just happened to catch my eye.'

(Oh shut up, and just forward it!)

The Drunk

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the Bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The Bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my Customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," Slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, Something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts. The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

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Little Zachary

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything...Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, Special Learning Centers... In short, they had tried everything they could think of to help with his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother & say 'Hello'. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed.

She called him down to dinner but, to her shock, the minute he was done eating, he marched back to his room without a word. In no time at all, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time. Day after day, while the mother tried, without success, to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math! She could no longer hold her curiosity.

She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? What made the difference? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, 'no'. 'Well, then,' she replied, 'was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? ... WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?' Little Zachary looked at her and said: 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around!!'

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Works For Ketchup

WORKS FOR KETCHUP



A LITTLE FOUR YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE
TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG,
SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.

THE LITTLE BOY IS GRIPPING ON TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS
LEFT HAND AND HITTING HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH
HIS RIGHT HAND.. HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALRIGHT?
YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR AWHILE."

BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T
GONE 'DOODY' YET."

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE
MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE
HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."

Amazing Sneeze

Amazing Sneeze

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed again. As before she used a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?

'I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before,' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded.

'Pepper'.

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Gardening

Railroad Tie - Raised beds- For my information purposes only

Construction materials

The choice of framework to use for walls depends on the availability and expense of the construction material, as well as the desired appearance of the final product in the landscape. Treated landscape timbers and used railroad ties are popular materials. Naturally rot-resistant lumber, such as redwood or cedar, may also be used. Other possibilities include concrete blocks, bricks and stones, or synthetic lumber made of recycled plastic. A group of half barrels can make a convenient raised bed for use on a patio (Figure 2). For a consistent look, match materials to those used elsewhere in the landscape.

Generally, wood-based products are less expensive than stone or masonry materials. However, resourceful gardeners may be able to find used bricks, concrete blocks or other materials at little or no cost.

Certain national gardening publications have raised concerns about the safety of using treated lumber in food gardens. Pressure-treated lumber uses CCA (chromated copper arsenate) or ACA (ammoniacal copper arsenate) as a preservative. However, studies done by Texas A&M Agricultural Extension Service showed insignificant movement of these compounds into surrounding soil. Pressure-treated lumber has no proven effect on plant growth or food safety. However, on Feb.12, 2002, the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) announced a voluntary decision by the lumber industry to move consumer use of treated lumber products away from a variety of pressure-treated wood that contains arsenic by Dec. 31, 2003, in favor of new, alternative wood preservatives. Alkaline cooper quaternary (ACQ) is a relatively new wood treatment that is available in some areas of the country. This product is higher in copper than CCA but is free of arsenic.

Creosote, which is used to treat railroad ties, may cause injury or death to plants that come into direct contact with it. After a few years the effect diminishes. Old, discarded ties do not injure plants (Figure 3). However, injury may occur if ties are still oozing black, sticky creosote or smell intensely. If you are uncertain about the safety of treated lumber, place a heavy plastic liner between the treated lumber and soil used for growing plants to prevent direct contact of plant roots with the treated lumber. Be careful not to tear the plastic when tilling the bed.

Figure 3

Old railroad ties make a satisfactory raised bed if they are not oozing creosote, which could injure plants.

Pasted from <http://extension.missouri.edu/publications/DisplayPub.aspx?P=g6985>

The Recipe

The Recipe

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed.

"Damn, Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.

"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it."

Jim agrees and the two say good bye.

A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was.

Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!"

"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"

"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco.

"Wait for it....Wait....

You know it's " coming.... "

Crisco!!?" Bob exclaimed. "Damn it, Jim, Crisco is shortening!

MORAL OF THE STORY: You gotta follow the recipe.

Gods On Our Side

Gods On Our Side

Some lost their brother's
Some lost their friends
Some lost their parents
while others lost kids.

A horrible tragedy
who can count the cost?
The lives that its taken
the loved one's thats lost.

We rise as Americans
together we stand
to secure our country
to protect our land.

Pulling together
we wave our flag high
no heathens nor terrorists
takes this from our sky.

Caught off guard and spirits forged
we'll rise stronger than ever before
Rise out of the ashes strong and true
with love for our Country
with plans anew.

So, raise your flags American's so brave
let it fly high, Oh see how she waves
'Old Glory' will never bow
she'll take the blows
and the fire that singed her brow
will forever glow.

Tried in the fire, hardened like steel
we gather our forces, renew our zeal
love one another continue in pride
we'll win over evil
for Gods on our side.

Beverly Smith-Kerr
September 11, 2001

The Painter

There was a painter named Wayne who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the
Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their
biggest buildings.

Wayne put in a bid and because his price was so low he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding, setting up the planks, and
buying the paint. Yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with
turpentine.

Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly
completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky
opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over
the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn
among the grave stones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and
useless paint.

Wayne was no fool! He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he
got down on his knees and cried: "Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...


"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!".



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Minnie Pauz.... Gotta Love them 3

They are so true... I love to share these with you. Here's her link to her website...
www.minniepauz.com - Hope you enjoy her cartoons as much as I do. :)

Minnie Pauz.... Gotta Love them 2

They are so true... I love to share these with you. Here's her link to her website...
www.minniepauz.com Hope you enjoy her cartoons. :)

Minnie Pauz.... Gotta Love them

They are so true... I love to share these with you. Here's her link to her website...
www.minniepauz.com - Hope you enjoy her cartoons. :)

Have you ever had one of those days.....

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