Amazing Simple Home Remedies

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1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED F OR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU HAVE AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Clay Balls

A man was exploring caves by the seashore. In one of the caves he found a canvas bag with a bunch of hardened clay balls. It was like someone had rolled clay balls and left them out in the sun to bake. They didn't look like much, but they intrigued the man, so he took the bag out of the cave with him. As he strolled along the beach, he would throw the clay balls one at a time out into the ocean as far as he could.

He thought little about it, until he dropped one of the clay balls and it cracked open on a rock . Inside was a beautiful, precious stone!

Excited, the man started breaking open the remaining clay balls. Each contained a similar treasure. He found thousands of dollars worth of jewels in the 20 or so clay balls he had left.

Then it struck him. He had been on the beach a long time. He had thrown maybe 50 or 60 of the clay balls with their hidden treasure into the ocean waves. Instead of thousands of dollars in treasure, he could have taken home tens of thousands, but he had just thrown it away!

It's like that with people. We look at someone, maybe even ourselves, and we see the external clay vessel. It doesn't look like much from the outside. It isn't always beautiful or sparkling, so we discount it.

We see that person as less important than someone more beautiful or stylish or well known or wealthy. But we have not taken the time to find the treasure hidden inside that person.

There is a treasure in each and every one of us. If we take the time to get to know that person, and if we ask God to show us that person the way He sees them, then the clay begins to peel away and the brilliant gem begins to shine forth.

May we not come to the end of our lives and find out that we have thrown away a fortune in friendships because the gems were hidden in bits of clay. May we see the people in our world as God sees them.

I am so blessed by the gems of friendship I have with you.. Thank you for looking beyond my clay vessel.

APPRECIATE EVERY SINGLE

THING YOU HAVE, ESPECIALLY YOUR FRIENDS!

LIFE IS TOO SHORT AND FRIENDS ARE TOO FEW!

Pass this on to another Clay Ball!!!

Do not ask the Lord to Guide your Footsteps if you are not willing to MOVE your Feet'

The Red Head

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .

Wait for it. .

It's coming. .

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

She says: 'You just happened to catch my eye.'

(Oh shut up, and just forward it!)

The Drunk

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the Bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The Bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my Customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," Slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, Something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts. The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

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Little Zachary

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything...Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, Special Learning Centers... In short, they had tried everything they could think of to help with his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother & say 'Hello'. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed.

She called him down to dinner but, to her shock, the minute he was done eating, he marched back to his room without a word. In no time at all, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time. Day after day, while the mother tried, without success, to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math! She could no longer hold her curiosity.

She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? What made the difference? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, 'no'. 'Well, then,' she replied, 'was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? ... WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?' Little Zachary looked at her and said: 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around!!'

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Works For Ketchup

WORKS FOR KETCHUP



A LITTLE FOUR YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE
TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG,
SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.

THE LITTLE BOY IS GRIPPING ON TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS
LEFT HAND AND HITTING HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH
HIS RIGHT HAND.. HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALRIGHT?
YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR AWHILE."

BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T
GONE 'DOODY' YET."

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE
MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE
HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."

Amazing Sneeze

Amazing Sneeze

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed again. As before she used a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?

'I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before,' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded.

'Pepper'.

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