Old Ladies Rock!

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Hot Comments @ CommentHaven.com












An older woman gets pulled over for speeding ...

Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"

Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding."

Woman: "Oh, I see."

Officer: "Can I see your license, please?"

Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

Officer: "You don't have one?"

Woman: "Lost it four years ago for drunk driving."

Officer: "I see. Show me your vehicle registration papers, please."

Woman: "I can't do that."

Officer: "Why not?"

Woman: "I stole this car."

Officer: "You stole it?"

Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."

Officer: "You did what?"

Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."

The officer slowly backs away to his car and calls for backup. Within minutes, five police vehicles circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, his hand clasping his half-drawn gun.

Senior Officer: "Ma'am, step out of your vehicle please!"

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: "Is there a problem, officer?"

Senior Officer: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

Woman: "Gracious! Murdered the owner?"

Senior Officer: "Yes, ma'am. Please open the trunk of your car."

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but empty space.

Senior Officer: "Is this your car, ma'am?"

Woman: "Of course it is. Here are the registration papers."

The officer is quite stunned.

Senior Officer: "Ma'am, my officer claims that you do not have a driver's license."

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license and hands it back to her, looking puzzled.

Senior Officer: "Thank you ma'am. My officer told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."

Woman: "Oh, my goodness! And I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!"

Becoming Illegal

STILL WAITING FOR MY FORM.....

Becoming Illegal


(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator)

The Honorable Tom Harkin

731 Hart Senate Office Building

Phone (202) 224 3254

Washington DC , 20510

Dear Senator Harkin,

As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status is that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as 'in-state' tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative.

Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,

Donald Ruppert

Burlington , IA

Get your Forms NOW!! Call your Internal Revenue Service at 1-800-289-1040.
Please pass this onto your friends so they can save on this great offer!!!!

Just a Thought

You can't talk your way out of what you've behaved yourself into.--Stephen Covey

Two Blonde Men

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "All right. How long do you need them?" asked the clerk. The customer paused for a minute and said, "Uh...I'd better go check." After a while, the blonde man returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

Angels Amoung Us

Angel Knocking at the Door

There came a frantic knock
At the doctor's office door,
A knock, more urgent than
he had ever heard before.
~~~~
"Come in, Come in,"
the impatient doctor said,
"Come in, Come in,
before you wake the dead."
~~
In walked a frightened little girl,
a child no more than nine,
It was plain for all to see,
she had troubles on her mind.
~~~
"Oh doctor, I beg you,
please come with me,
My mother is surely dying,
she's as sick as she can be."
~~~~
"I don't make house calls,
bring your mother here,"
"But she's too sick,
so you must come or she will die I fear."
~~~~
The doctor, touched by her devotion,
decided he would go,
She said he would be blessed,
more than he could know.
~~~~
She led him to her house
where her mother lay in bed,
Her mother was so very sick
she couldn't raise her head.
~~~~
But her eyes cried out for help
and help her the doctor did,
She would have died that very night
had it not been for her kid.
~~~~
The doctor got her fever down
and she lived through the night,
And morning brought the doctor signs,
that she would be all right.
~~~~
The doctor said he had to leave
but would return again by two,
And later he came back to check,
just like he said he'd do.
~~~~
The mother praised the doctor
for all the things he'd done,
He told her she would have died,
were it not for her little one.
~~~~
"How proud you must be
of your wonderful little girl,
It was her pleading that made me come,
she is really quite a pearl!
~~~~
"But doctor, my daughter died
over three years ago,
Is the picture on the wall
of the little girl you know?"
~~~~
The doctors legs went limp
for the picture on the wall,
Was the same little girl
for whom he'd made this call.
~~~~
The doctor stood motionless,
for quite a little while,
And then his solemn face,
was broken by his smile.
~~~~
He was thinking of that frantic knock
heard at his office door,
And of the beautiful little angel
that had walked across his floor.
~~~~
Share the Blessing of Heavenly Love!
If this E-mail meant nothing to you,
you may go ahead and delete it because
you will not receive bad luck
only a smaller, mis-shaped heart.
~~~~
But if you shared the same emotions as I,
then send it to all who will care.
And as you send it to each person,
your heart will grow bigger and stronger.
~~~~
I KNOW there are Angels among us.......

Women

Why are you crying, a young boy asked his Mom? "Because I'm a woman," she told him. "I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said,"And you never will, but that's O.K.".......

Later the little boy asked his father,"Why does Mom seem to cry for no reason?".
"All women cry for no reason," was all his Dad could say......

The little boy grew up and became a man, Still wondering why women cry. Finally he put in a call to God and when God got back to him, he asked "God, why do women cry so easily?"

GOD answered.... .. "When I made woman, I decided she had to be special. I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet, made her arms gentle enough to give comfort...

I gave her the inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times will come even from her own children. I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going and take care of her family and friends, even when everyone else gives up through sickness and fatigue without complaining. ...

I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances. Even when her child has hurt her badly.... She has the very special power to make a child's boo-boo feel better and to quell a teenager's anxieties and fears....

I gave her strength to care for her husband despite faults and I fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart....

I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him. Unfalteringly. ... For all of this hard work, I also gave her a tear to shed. It is hers to use whenever needed and it is her only weakness....

When you see her cry,tell her how much you love her and all she does for everyone and even though she may still cry, you will have made her heart feel good.

She is special! Please send this to women you know, and those with mothers, sisters and special women in their lives. But, also send this to men so they will understand about what a wonderful thing a woman is.

Love Your Mother Always and Keep Her Smiling!

Pickles

THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN By Dave Barry

THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN By Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

FINAL Thought for the day: Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

The way to be happy is to make others so.

Cute Story

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs?

A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says.

"It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something.

"A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.

"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "It's got to be the Viagra... I'm still not hungry".

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!"