Golfing

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly aroundhis throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him,"What happened to you??

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. "

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the Cow's butt.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!'

"I don't remember much after that ..."

Rain

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided
to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was
much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional
children were costing the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift
from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice
said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear
rubbers." And the congregation said, "Amen."

Women

~ Women think all beer is the same.

~ Women brush their hair before bed.

~ Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modelling.

~ Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.

~ Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

~ Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

~ Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

~ Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

~ Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'

~ Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

~ Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

~ Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

~ Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.

~ Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant; so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game. ~ Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.

~ Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

~ Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.

~ The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

~ Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.

~ Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.

~ If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

~ Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

~ Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?