A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly aroundhis throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him,"What happened to you??
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. "
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the Cow's butt.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!'
"I don't remember much after that ..."
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Rain
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided
to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was
much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional
children were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift
from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice
said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear
rubbers." And the congregation said, "Amen."
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided
to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was
much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional
children were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift
from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice
said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear
rubbers." And the congregation said, "Amen."
Women
~ Women think all beer is the same.
~ Women brush their hair before bed.
~ Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modelling.
~ Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.
~ Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
~ Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
~ Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
~ Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
~ Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'
~ Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
~ Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
~ Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
~ Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.
~ Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant; so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game. ~ Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.
~ Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
~ Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.
~ The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
~ Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.
~ Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
~ If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
~ Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
~ Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
Monday, June 9, 2008
Parking Confusion
After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking
spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly
in the same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are
you going to park there?" look.
His responding gestures were very confusing. First he shook his head.
Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself,
his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms
upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to
make sure he didn't want the space.
"You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've
known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot.
I'm waiting for my wife.'"
spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly
in the same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are
you going to park there?" look.
His responding gestures were very confusing. First he shook his head.
Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself,
his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms
upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to
make sure he didn't want the space.
"You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've
known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot.
I'm waiting for my wife.'"
Postman?
Little Johnny told his mother that he had been playing Postman.
"Postman? How could you do that when you had no letters?"
"Oh, I hadsome letters," replied Johnny.
"I was looking in your closet up in your room and I found a packet of letters tied up with a ribbon, and I posted one under every door on the street."
"Postman? How could you do that when you had no letters?"
"Oh, I hadsome letters," replied Johnny.
"I was looking in your closet up in your room and I found a packet of letters tied up with a ribbon, and I posted one under every door on the street."
Genealogy Report
When my granddaughter, Ann, was nine-years-old, she was given an assignment by her teacher to write a story on "Where my family came from." The purpose was to understand her genealogy.
I was not aware of her assignment when she asked me at the dining room table one night, "Grandma, where did I come from?"
I responded quite nervously, because my son and daughter-in-law were out of town and I was stalling until they returned home. "Well, honey, the stork brought you."
"Where did mom come from then?"
"The stork brought her too."
"Okay, then where did you come from?"
"The stork brought me too, dear."
"Okay. Thanks, Grandma."
I did not think anything more about it until two days later when I was cleaning Ann's room and read the first sentence of her paper, "For three generations, there have been no natural births in our family."
I was not aware of her assignment when she asked me at the dining room table one night, "Grandma, where did I come from?"
I responded quite nervously, because my son and daughter-in-law were out of town and I was stalling until they returned home. "Well, honey, the stork brought you."
"Where did mom come from then?"
"The stork brought her too."
"Okay, then where did you come from?"
"The stork brought me too, dear."
"Okay. Thanks, Grandma."
I did not think anything more about it until two days later when I was cleaning Ann's room and read the first sentence of her paper, "For three generations, there have been no natural births in our family."
You Know You're A Bad Cook IF....
- The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire
- You make tuna noodle surprise for your family and the surprise is that it glows in the dark!
- Your homemade bread can be used as a door stop.
- The leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter.
- Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crockpot nine days old tastes like.
- The EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red 'biohazard' symbols.
- You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.
- Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.
- When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.
- You've used three boxes of scouring pads, a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan.
- Your family prays AFTER they eat!
- You make tuna noodle surprise for your family and the surprise is that it glows in the dark!
- Your homemade bread can be used as a door stop.
- The leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter.
- Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crockpot nine days old tastes like.
- The EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red 'biohazard' symbols.
- You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.
- Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.
- When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.
- You've used three boxes of scouring pads, a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan.
- Your family prays AFTER they eat!
Pooper Scooper...
In my Sunday School class we were quizzing the children on what they knew about Jesus' birth.
One red-headed boy described the Three Wise Men as "a tall man, a short man, and a medium man who came to visit Jesus." We asked him why they had come.
He replied, "All three men brought boxes to Baby Jesus." So we asked him what was in the boxes.
"Well, in one of them there was a pooper-scooper!" he exclaimed.
Well, that provoked a "why would the Wise Men bring a pooper-scooper?" question.
The look on his face said we obviously didn't know ANYTHING and finally exasperated with us, he answered, "Well, why do you think? With all those animals in the stable Jesus is gonna need to have a pooper-scooper!"
One red-headed boy described the Three Wise Men as "a tall man, a short man, and a medium man who came to visit Jesus." We asked him why they had come.
He replied, "All three men brought boxes to Baby Jesus." So we asked him what was in the boxes.
"Well, in one of them there was a pooper-scooper!" he exclaimed.
Well, that provoked a "why would the Wise Men bring a pooper-scooper?" question.
The look on his face said we obviously didn't know ANYTHING and finally exasperated with us, he answered, "Well, why do you think? With all those animals in the stable Jesus is gonna need to have a pooper-scooper!"
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Hillbilly Vasectomy
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'
The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me,' said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Texas, Louisiana, Georgia, Mississippi, Missouri, Florida, West Virginia and Washington DC.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'
The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me,' said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Texas, Louisiana, Georgia, Mississippi, Missouri, Florida, West Virginia and Washington DC.
Spaghetti
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the Baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.? "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, and Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the Baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.? "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, and Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."
The Porch
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money or the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?' Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?' The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?' He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?' The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked. 'Yes,' the blonde replied, 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip. 'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?' Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?' The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?' He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?' The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked. 'Yes,' the blonde replied, 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip. 'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'
Monday, June 2, 2008
Maxine's Living Will... lol
Maxine's Living Will
I, __________________________, being Of sound mind and body, do not wish to be Kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be Put in the hands of pinhead politicians who Couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested In simply running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
______ Glass of wine
______ Buttered Popcorn
______ Margarita
______ Martini
______ Cold Beer
______ Chicken fried steak and cream gravy
______ Mexican food
______ Cigarette
______ French fries
______ Pizza
______ Bowl of ice cream
______ Cup of tea or coffee
______ Chocolate
______ All of the above,
It should be presumed that I won't ever get better.
When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
I, __________________________, being Of sound mind and body, do not wish to be Kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be Put in the hands of pinhead politicians who Couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested In simply running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
______ Glass of wine
______ Buttered Popcorn
______ Margarita
______ Martini
______ Cold Beer
______ Chicken fried steak and cream gravy
______ Mexican food
______ Cigarette
______ French fries
______ Pizza
______ Bowl of ice cream
______ Cup of tea or coffee
______ Chocolate
______ All of the above,
It should be presumed that I won't ever get better.
When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Thought for Today
"Map out your future, but do it in pencil."– Jon Bon Jovi
About Jon Bon Jovi:
Jon Bon Jovi, the popular American musician and actor, rose to fame as the lead singer for the hard-rock band Bon Jovi, best known for their 1986 chart-topping album Slippery When Wet. He was born John Francis Bongiovi in New Jersey in 1962. After two years as a janitor at his uncle's recording studio, he persuaded a producer to record a demo, which became the surprise hit "Runaway." His film roles include Pay It Forward and Moonlight and Valentino. He lives in New Jersey with his wife and four children.
About Jon Bon Jovi:
Jon Bon Jovi, the popular American musician and actor, rose to fame as the lead singer for the hard-rock band Bon Jovi, best known for their 1986 chart-topping album Slippery When Wet. He was born John Francis Bongiovi in New Jersey in 1962. After two years as a janitor at his uncle's recording studio, he persuaded a producer to record a demo, which became the surprise hit "Runaway." His film roles include Pay It Forward and Moonlight and Valentino. He lives in New Jersey with his wife and four children.
Robbery in Colorado with Womens Underwear
Sat May 31, 12:08 AM ET
ARVADA, Colo. - Police in a Colorado town are searching for two robbers whose masks showed plenty of fashion sense but little modesty: women's thong underwear.
A surveillance video released this week by police in Arvada, Colo., shows two unarmed men inside the convenience store. They stole an undisclosed amount of cash and cigarettes in the robbery May 16.
One man wore a green thong and the other wore blue. Each thong barely covered the man's nose, mouth and chin and left the rest of his face exposed. One also wore a pink backpack in which he stuffed the stolen items.
The suspects also wore T-shirts and pants and were described as in their 20s. One had a left arm tattoo.
ARVADA, Colo. - Police in a Colorado town are searching for two robbers whose masks showed plenty of fashion sense but little modesty: women's thong underwear.
A surveillance video released this week by police in Arvada, Colo., shows two unarmed men inside the convenience store. They stole an undisclosed amount of cash and cigarettes in the robbery May 16.
One man wore a green thong and the other wore blue. Each thong barely covered the man's nose, mouth and chin and left the rest of his face exposed. One also wore a pink backpack in which he stuffed the stolen items.
The suspects also wore T-shirts and pants and were described as in their 20s. One had a left arm tattoo.
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